My 2022

This is a long overdue post.

I was showered with a lot of blessings for the year 2022. First off, was the purchase of the car. With the grace of the Lord and the financial assistance of my mom, I was able to accumulate funds and pay for it. I'm still paying for the cash loan until now (*22 months to go.. wooohoo!!!), but still, I am truly grateful to the Lord for allowing me and my family to experience this blessing. 

Another blessing was the completion of my academic subjects for the EDD and the favorable result of the comprehensive exam. I don't think I have the capacity to acquire the degree. So, I guess that's it for me.

Another one, good health for most of the year. There are still days that I struggle, but overall, it's all good.

Also, I am truly thankful to the Lord for sustaining me for yet another year of work in the basic education. 

I feel so empty these days. 

I know that there a lot of things I should be grateful for. My parents are constantly reminding me to be thankful for all the blessings I have received. They don't want me complaining about my work and all that's negative about it; telling me that the struggles are part of life.

Nowadays, I just take it one day at a time. I pray to the Lord every morning that He may let me survive that day. Start and finish the day without any problems. So far, so good. It's all a routine. That's what's wrong about it. I don't get excited about anything, anymore. I don't look forward to special days anymore. It's really frustrating. 

Also, I feel like I'm losing people. They are starting to feel detached one by one. I have to accept this, I know, but it is really hard. I have reached a certain point that I questioned myself - What's wrong with me?, Why am I losing these connections?. 

I am struggling, really. 

These thoughts are keeping me awake at night.  

The Year that was 2019

Time flew really fast. Here I am writing again an official throwback on how my 2019 went by. This year was filled with so much blessings and realizations. I cannot thank the Lord enough for being with me throughout the ups and downs and allowing certain people to surround me and remind me that I am appreciated and loved.

Spiritual: Still read the gospel everyday for year 2019. This is to remind me of God's goodness and promise of salvation; and that I am not alone in this journey. I pray every night to ask the Lord for the wisdom and knowledge to survive each day. With the calamities that our province experienced - a series of earthquakes - we turn to God for protection and guidance. Maybe this is the Lord's way of reminding us that He is there, that He is watching, and that He is coming back for us.

Work life: Before the year ended, another blessing came. I qualified for reclassification, which meant an increase in basic salary. Gosh. This was totally unexpected. I didn't expect that I would be granted the reclass. Thank you Lord for another blessing!

Education: After five years, I finally graduated (master's). I know it took longer that expected but at least I did it. I am officially a graduate. Wooohooo!

Family: Never left my side. They were always there to support me. From kinder to masters, they were there. I couldn't have done it without them. I am forever grateful to the Lord for giving me loving and supportive parents.

Friends: My bunch that I would not trade for anything. I thank the Lord for allowing me to meet the friends that stayed with me all this time. I am looking forward to another year with my beshies.

Special Friend: Graduated masters together. hihihi.. Goals? Nah. Just plain coincidence. Celebrated our first year together. Still puts up with my weirdness :)

Travel: Got to travel with my family and friends this year. I am thankful to the Lord for all the opportunities to see and explore His creations.

2019 was pretty much a great year. Despite the difficulties and challenges that came this year, I still did a great job of surviving. hihihihihi Thank you 2019. I won't forget the memories you brought. Let's welcome another year with a grateful heart. 

     

Life Realizations as I turn a Quarter and One

As we live our lives here on Earth, we are faced with different circumstances, may it be good or bad. And as humans, we have to deal with these just so we could go on with our lives. These circumstances molded me to become the person I am today. As I turn a year older, a lot of realizations came to me. 

I am flawed.  I am not perfect. I just try to be someone that is appreciated, even if not by many but by the most important people in my life. I guess, it is a basic human need to be appreciated and I won't deny that I wanted that, too. 

I don't trust people easily like I used to. I guess this came with age and maturity. You learn that you don't need certain people in your life. You don't need the extra baggage that came with the passive relationships you encounter along the way. You don't trust and expect that person to stay. You just need those that you can trust completely and you can pour your heart out.    

I get tired in maintaining relationships. This one came with age and priorities. Sometimes, I feel tired with maintaining relationships. Why, you ask? Relationship is hard work. That I can tell you. It doesn't work if the the parties involve are not putting the extra effort to make the relationship work. Some, relationships, may it be work, friendship, family, can be tiresome. I needed to sort out the relationships that really matter to me and needs every bit of my attention.

I frequently need my alone time. I prefer to stay at home if I don't have anything to do. This gives me the time to get some thinking done. To process what happened that week, to calm myself, to just do nothing. I needed the time to recharge and keep my mind sane to face the days ahead.

(This is a late post. Just felt the need to post in now.) 

Late night thoughts

Life doesn't have to make sense. I know, it's a bloody, cold fact. But, the thing is, I couldn't really get used to this. You see, we tend to need explanations behind things and circumstances to really grasp the situations and to know what to do. But, no matter how much I try, I sometimes fail to get a good idea on what is really going on quite a number of instances.  

e.n.o.u.g.h.

I think I had it. Thinking of calling it quits. Everyday seems to be a struggle. Struggle to live up to anyone's expectations.To do good. Am I not allowed to commit mistake?  Certainly, we all know that nobody's perfect. We are only human. Is it a human thing not to forgive? Even the great God would give me chance. 

Sometimes, I'm afraid of being alone. My thoughts could literally drown me. And take me places that you could never find. I might not find my way back. Back to sanity. Back to reality.

....on going process

It took me some time to collect myself. I've been in the process of slowly breaking and shattered. For the past 10 months of my life, it has been a whirlwind experience, a crazy ride full of unexpected twists and turns. I was very full of negativity as the school year trailed on. I thought that I was being pulled into a black hole with no escape route. But along the way, sparks of hope lighted the way. A tiny glimpse of hope that things will become better. but as I drag on to finish the school year, more reasons surfaced to make me think that things are just not right. Maybe this is now where I'm supposed to be. And reality sank in. That acceptance is the key to everything. Accept the things we cannot change. But when you have people of different principles and views, surrounding you, you just'll reach the point of your limitations. I hope and pray that this is not the end for me. That I may, once again see and experience that there is hope, still, in everything. That things will get better. 

Count your blessings not what's missing.

I need to remind myself of this every now and then. Lately, all I've been seeing of things are all its negativity. It's just a matter of mindset and acceptance they say but for me, it's really hard. 

Crying out Loud

I didn't have the luxury of time in hands, now that I'm working.That is mainly the reason I haven't posted in quite a while. Working. It feels like forever when it's just 8 months since I began. The journey is not easy and it never will be. I am now questioning my choices in life. How could I have let my life turn out this way? I knew it wouldn't be easy. But the path is just too bumpy for me to get by. People are just too odd of a species for me, maybe. 

I'm trying to get myself back. To be the self I've loved and treasured in the past. I miss me. 

I wanted to text my friends "I miss you." tonight but I thought, they're busy, they wouldn't care about my stupid text message.  I miss them so badly. Call me clingy and such, but that's just how it is. I feel comfortable the most when I'm with them. 

Bottom line. I miss me. My life before the world corrupted my helpless soul. Give it back, please!

Struggles Unleashed

I didn't know until now. How I was struggling to keep up with things. But I every day, I lived to survive another day of struggles. 

The main focus of posting this is to express my deep sadness towards one thing that particularly transpired this whole month, and will continue for the next year and the years to come. I'm truly hurt, I'd tell you that. But no one actually knew how I truly felt about it. 

For them, it's just what's normal. What's appropriate. But it isn't the same with me. It's like a stab in my back every time it happens. Being the normal me, I would just absorb all of this and tell no one about it. I hope and pray for change.  

My 2014 (a quick look to this year's life events)

2014 is a year full of blessings. Blessings, I have the Lord to thank for. Let me tell you a little secret. I have my five finger goal. (One goal for each finger on one hand). And two of them were accomplished this year. Yipee!!! I have yet to conquer the odds to accomplish the remaining three. But I know the Lord will back me up. 

January - March 2014

The practice teaching experience was fun and also, nerve racking. I'm really blessed to have Sir Abraham to be my cooperating teacher. He's the coolest. I wouldn't have done it, if it wasn't for his guidance and support.

April 2014

Graduation was one of the happiest moments for me and for my parents. All the hardships and sacrifices were all worth it. :)  I thank the Lord for giving me very supportive and loving parents.

June 2014

I enrolled for graduate studies. I was very nervous at first, but later, I got the hang of it. It isn't so bad. My classmates are very cool despite the age difference. :) 

October 2014

This, I really, really prayed hard for. This was all an answered prayer. Thanks Lord, as always, You're the best. (bahalag gamay ug rating basta pasa na...hihihihihi)

December 2014

Oath taking for Professional Teachers - December 12, 2014

I'm looking forward for the year 2015. Another year for me to share with my family and friends; to accomplish my goals; and also, to live life to the fullest. :) :) :)

2014 - Thank You, Lord for a year full of your love and blessings.....

I'm trying. I really am. And then, when I thought I did it, someone or something will remind me. Just like that. Out of nowhere. Robbing me with the little hope that's left of me that one day, I'll be able to forget everything. Yeah, I'll admit it. I am trying, with every bit of will power to forget things. To move on. To not care. But things go spontaneously, out of my control. Shocker. Some things aren't within our control. I think twice. Maybe most things that are relevant are not within our control. I would like to tell the universe to shut it and ask what good does it do to remind people of things not worth the trip down memory lane. 

I'd be forever scarred. The pain left me a long time ago but the memory of having felt it still lingers like it was just yesterday.        

:(

It has always been my struggle. Trying to adjust to people. I try my hardest to understand the differences. I thought I'm getting better at it, but I thought wrong. People have different views and opinions, that's a given fact. But, sometimes, when I'm being stupid, I don't quite get things. I thought I did my best to really get along with the people I'm with. But, I'm only human. I fall short on things. And I'm sorry for that. 

Honestly, I was caught off guard with what happen. I cried the whole night thinking what went wrong. I didn't expect any of that. My words won't change anything now. So, I've considered to not explain things. I was thinking that, what more can I do? Damage has been done. Yes, I admit, I'm the bad guy here. I apologize to those that I've caused pain. I'll try my very best to not trouble you in any way. 

Silence is my way of coping up with emotional distress. I don't do well with confrontations. 

Forgive me for what happened. The situation got all out of hand. I had no control over things. Hearing my side of the story is no longer needed. I'll accept whatever you think of me without holding anything against you.  

People will forget what you did.

But people will never forget 

how you made them feel.

                                                                                                                                - Maya Angelou

I found this on facebook. I think this statement says it all, how I feel right now. I don't quite understand why I'm feeling this way. I need time to think about it. hehehe... I'll keep you posted. 

Fear

I always feel that I’m not that good enough, that I’m not cut out for the job; that I’m not capable of doing anything that matters. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. This feeling’s not good, I know. I know that it is wrong to feel like this because we are equal in the eyes of the Lord. I’m not insecure or anything, I simply just don’t believe in myself. You ask why? I also don’t know. I’m still in the midst of confusion; my thoughts are like whirlwinds inside my head. Why do I think this way? I deny myself with enough courage to believe that I can do things. I deny myself to enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something just ‘cause I’m afraid to even try it at the very first place. Maybe, that’s what it is. FEAR. Fear to fail, to be judged, to be looked down upon, to be criticized. I admit, I’m afraid of that. Maybe, that’s the reason I just stay on the side lines. I’m afraid to fail and to disappoint the people who even in the slightest, thought that I can do it. I hope and pray that one day will come and I’ll have that courage to face my fear. I have the LORD Almighty to be with me in this journey, I will do this!